He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
