it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
