Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Randomize
