I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
my penis made a compromise with my morals
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
