I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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