either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
