worst night to have a conscience
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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