It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
