Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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