maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
