I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
