I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
