There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
His hands were made for my vagina.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
