There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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