When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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