I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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