i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
