our cab driver is having phone sex.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
