Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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