I cannot find my penis.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
