we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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