My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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