I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
