grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
