Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
