you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
