dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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