after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
