Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
