you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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