Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Don't tell me you're on acid again
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
