things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
