im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
