I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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