im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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