I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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