Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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