Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
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How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
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His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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