Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
