I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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