someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
