I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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