If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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