dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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