your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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