I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
