Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
