I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
