He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
