i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
