Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
