no, he came in my armpit
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
