I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
